Wednesday humpday feels
Yesterday I was freaking out after reading some blogs about budgeting and plans for saving. Naturally, I decided to freak myself out further by making a spreadsheet tracking my average expenditure (mostly shopping, food) and future expenditure this year (e.g. trip to eastern Europe, perhaps Hong Kong but not sure if that is 100% on the cards) . I was planning to save about 80% per year but in actuality only saving 70%. This might not seem thaaaat much of difference to you (not to mention potentially unrealistic), but being the stupid perfectionist I am with stupidly high goals...I want to have a $160K deposit by 2020 so that I can buy a home for myself (or at least an investment property???)
Except the fact is that I WANT TO HAVE IT ALL (aka Liz Lemon style)...I want the food....I want travel somewhere overseaaaas every year... I wanna be somewhat open to spend on clothes etc. ..... and at the rate I'm saving...maybe I'll only be able to get to $140K. FUCK WHERE DO I FIND 20K (win lottery lol...marry rich lol...) *I THINK I am financially responsible...but where does frugality meet responsible-levels-of-spending-that-doesn't-make-my20s-seem-miserable-because-im-living-off-devon-sandwiches-and-no-travel.... LIKE WHERE IS THAT BALANCE. Like I feel like I am spending a little too much, but right now I am content with the FRUIT of my spending LOL...do I just press my spending lower and lower until I am like " I THINK I AM UNHAPPY BEING SO EL CHEAPO"
and the thing is I do want to buy a home by myself. My sister and family friends who are a little older than me are doing the same...I want to be able to say I did it without significant help from my family or a partner (lol as if I could find someone serious enough in the next 3 years to BUY A HOME together anyway...I think I'm scarred from previous "relationships" to even be able to imagine a relationship with someone for more than 3 years.....anyyyyyway that's another story)
FUCK. WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE. I know I'm only in my early 20s (24) but I want TO BE FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WALK AROUND IN MY OWN APARTMENT BASKING IN THE AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT DRINKING MY GREEN TEA OR SOME WINE. AND MAYBE OVERLOOKING A SMALL PARK OR RIVER (lol in my dreaaaams) LISTENNING TO CROWDED HOUSE DONT DREAAAAM ITS OVERRRRR.
I think I have such simple dreams...why do they seem so hard and so unrealistic though. Maybe it's just this darn city (sometimes I wanna move so just everything is more affordable...but at the same time this is the foundation on which I grew up - my friends, family are all here....I don't think I am strong enough or brave enough to leave them...not in this period of my life anyhow) I think maybe its because I am soooo impatient. I want everything now. Instant gratification....in love...in financial success....in just general satisfaction. I have never felt so unsatisfied as I have now or so nervous about the future. But that's probably what it's like in 20s/early 30s. Everyone is going through the same. But I just don't want to be in the same struggle-boat. I WANT A RUDDER. A SPEED ENGINE. A terrible metaphor. many apologies.
Or I should just work harder....get them promotions. In fact I should be getting ready to bump up my resume, get my references and prepare to move at the end of 2018. By then I'd get all my repayments back from my firm for college...and I can say I have 2+ years of post admission experience....
Also gotta perfect my persuasion and review interviews. GOT TO BE CONFIDENT AND SHOW MY DAMN WORTH cos I do work hard and efficiently and beyond what others are doing. I reckon I am doing associate level work (ever since my SA left for secondment) and...my rate got bumped up too so I am well above deserving (just gotta believe what I am saying...otherwise others wont' either am I right?)
SIGH. GOTTA HUSTLE.
ps. also really really really dislike how gossipy people are, making shit up half the time which exacerbates the situation. Definitely the worst when it happens in the work place. I just want to keep my head down but it's impossible to not play these dynamics (well I guess I am playing them lol by keeping friendly with both sides. It's how you win in work-life and also how you win in monopoly (lol random aside). pretend to befriend both sides when you really aren't invested/give a shit at all...)
Comments
Post a Comment